We all yearn to live a healthy lifestyle, and are exhorted to do by just about everyone. The payoff? A svelte body, a beautiful yoga pose that is the envy of all, an increase in social status to differentiate you from the Cheetoh-eating masses (this is, of course, most essential), and, finally, perhaps a longer life.
Is it possible?
Yes it is! Anyone with TV or social media celebrity status, a degree from Trump University, or an ability to hum the theme from Rocky obviously has the necessary credentials to guide and mentor you with cute to-do lists and easy-to-memorize daily exhortations.
But has anyone examined the employment-law aspects of a healthy lifestyle? Is there a Socrates for our time to provide the wisdom of the ages for employees and employers, or, more importantly, a few relevant catchphrases (copyright pending) that will hopefully go viral and earn him/her hefty licensing fees?
I don’t know, but here are a few tips learned after a lifetime of heathy lifestyle fits and starts:
1. This first tip is most important: Be male, white, under 50, and maintain an attractive appearance. Studies and innumerable court cases demonstrate that these characteristics promote a healthy lifestyle by, among other things, giving you a yuge advantage in getting a job – which, as you can imagine, permits you to indulge in all that healthy lifestyle stuff. It need not be said that to promote a healthy lifestyle, try to avoid being any of these things!
2. Make a New Year’s resolution that after January 20th you will not seek a job at any federal regulatory agency, such as, without limitation, the EEOC, OSHA, SEC, NLRB, EPA, CFPB or FDA, or the Departments of Interior, Energy or HUD (or, for that matter, any agency that protects, or even appears to protect, this country, its citizens or the Earth). If you are employed at one of these places, you very likely won’t be for long. And don’t expect any safety net to catch you – which is very bad for a healthy lifestyle.
3. Try to get a job for more than the prevailing minimum wage – however low it goes. While many studies show that money doesn’t buy happiness, it certainly doesn’t hurt, and, more importantly, it does buy better healthcare, food, living conditions, child care, and education. And each of these has been proven to contribute to good health and a longer life. (Another tip: next year don’t rely upon the federal government to raise the minimum wage; better to move to a state that already has or plans to do so). Forget the oft-repeated but never-achieved mantra that a “rising economy will lift all boats”; rugged individualism is the new catchphrase! Put another way – “you’re on your own!”
4. If you have a choice, opt for a job with greater status and prestige, and not simply for a job with a higher salary. Take it from the incoming Secretary of Labor, employees don’t really want more money – they just want a bigger and better job title! And he should know – being the practicing altruist that he is, he employs a greater number of happy minimum-wage burger flippers who are senior vice presidents than anyone else. (This tip does not, of course, apply to him, being as high-minded as he is. Non silva sed anthar!). And oh — forget overtime pay, SVP’s — executives like you are not entitled to it, and anyway, you got “prestige,” remember?
5. If you are an employer, try to avoid harassing or intimidating employees, whether or not they are in protected classes. Multiple studies have shown that such behavior will cause you stress, which is anathema to a healthy lifestyle. Remember that it’s all about you, not them.
6. Conversely, try to find a job where the boss does not harass or intimidate you. If your employer is a bully, he/she is likely highly stressed to begin with, and if you protest or complain it will make him/her even more stressed, which could lead to more harassment. And all that harassment is soo not good for you.
7. Also, where possible opt for a white-collar job — while working on a road crew or as a longshoreman may give you a good cardio workout and help you to lose weight, it is also pretty taxing, will force you to give up your trainer and your sushi, and will likely not catapult you into the world of the “global elites,” where the lifestyle is the healthiest.
8. For North Carolina residents: Try not to be LGBT. ‘Nuff said.
9. Stay away from states that almost require you to carry a concealed gun to work. Ohio, for one, just gave its Constitution-loving citizens a holiday present: it passed a law forbidding an employer from barring an employee from keeping a concealed weapon in a parked car on the employer’s property. It’s a proven fact, of course, that only good guys with guns can stop bad guys with guns. So be a good guy, or go work in another state. All studies show that being dead does not promote a healthy lifestyle.
10. Finally, stay employed for as long as possible. Although working through your eighties or even older might not be a healthy lifestyle for all, at least you will be able to afford proper medical care (maybe) and eat things other than cat food. When America becomes great again very soon, you likely won’t recognize your “modernized” or “voucherized” Medicare and Social Security – if it still exists. Better to expire at your desk!
So go enjoy a healthier lifestyle – and have a great year!
Richard B. Cohen has litigated and arbitrated complex business and employment disputes for almost 40 years, and is a partner in the NYC office of the national “cloud” law firm FisherBroyles. He is the creator and author of his firm’s Employment Discrimination blog, and received an award from the American Bar Association for his blog posts. You can reach him at [email protected] and follow him on Twitter at @richard09535496.
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